Calm Mediation’s Director of Mediation Dave Walker discusses how a permission to share approach can be used to set a non-adversarial tone for mediation that helps to facilitate the visualisation of positive change.
“This isn’t the Jerry Springer Show. If you want to verbally abuse, threaten or assault each other then you can do that on your own. You don’t need us [mediators] for that. If you want to sort this out in a calm and straight forward way, however, we can facilitate that sort of conversation, but not the other”
Dave Walker
The idea behind the Permission to Share model is to manage emotions by actively avoiding giving clients’ uninterrupted time at the beginning of the session to set out their grievance. Instead, the mediator feeds back on their behalf and seeks permission to do that in advance of the joint session during one-to-one preparatory conversations.
Have you ever experienced how in interrupted time the person going second changes what they were going to say, to address the things they have just heard from the person who went first?
Have you noticed how this can increase the tension, resulting in the positivity that may have been shared with the mediator during preparatory meetings becoming lost and forgotten?
The Permission to Share model involves the mediator summarising, at the final preparatory meeting, what they are proposing to feedback on that client’s behalf when all parties come together. The mediator clarifies and agrees with the client how their position will be presented on the day. This could also be done by telephone, email or WhatsApp. On the joint mediation day when the clients arrive at the centre and are in separate spaces, the mediator goes over their case one more time and confirms what they will share on their behalf.
This allows the mediator to get all the cards out on the table. Both the tough points and the positive points. In other words, the ‘Golden nuggets’ that can help to bring the temperature down in the room. It gives all parties a chance to hear how the other side has reflected on the dispute and facilitates the visualisation of positive change, all in the first ten minutes of the meeting. It sets a non-adversarial tone for the session and hopefully gets everyone moving in the right direction
Permission to Share has become my ‘go to’ model of working on virtually all cases I mediate. I’ve found that it works with neighbour, family couples separating, workplace, group facilitation, commercial and even high conflict situation involving gangs. It’s particularly effective in addressing the challenges faced by many mediators in smoothing the pathway into mediation and facilitating less confrontational sessions. I’ve recently been on the road, running practical training sessions on Permission to Share for other mediation centres. Participants in the training have been very enthusiastic about the approach and the benefits is has.
If you wish to enquire about the two day Permission to Share training course that I run then please email me on dave@calmmediation.org. Below are some of the responses I’ve had to the training.
Thank you very much for this brilliant course. I loved it. It feels like a potentially transformative approach to mediation, and I feel very lucky to have done such an enjoyable and valuable session.
I could not recommend it highly enough. I learned so much and I would encourage any Mediator to do it.
One of the best trainers I have had. The content was very focused, digestible, and implementable. I felt I came away from the training with the right amount of information about, what it is, why permission to share is used and the benefits it has.
